Steve Harrington (
wonafight) wrote in
portalhopping2022-09-21 12:09 pm
(no subject)
WHO: Caleb and Steve Harrington
WHAT: Realizations and Confessions
WHEN: .September 21
WHERE: John Random Memorial Park Downtown
WHO: Sally and Steve
WHAT: Boyfriends
WHEN: September 21
WHERE: Apartment 202
WHAT: Realizations and Confessions
WHEN: .September 21
WHERE: John Random Memorial Park Downtown
Steve had learned a lot about himself over the last few years. He’d learned about the shallowness of popularity, the undying bravery of children, how easily his heart could break and how, sometimes, the most unexpected people could come along to make a person feel whole again.
To say that he had an inkling that he could be attracted to boys might be giving him too much credit. There was only one thing that his father had told him not to be over and over again and that was a disappointment. Being attracted to men would certainly fall into that category, even more so than failing to get into Tech after he’d graduated. While his dad had come close to kicking him out of the house for the second, he wouldn’t have hesitated for a second if it had been the first. So even if he had been able to entertain the thought - which he had never allowed himself to do - it wouldn’t have been one that fit in with the role he’d been raised to fill.
But then he’d found himself in Eglaf. And suddenly he hadn’t had the support of his parents, or even his friends, and he’d had to carve a place out for himself on his own. He’d met Lydia and Casey, Caleb and Sally. He’d built a life away from Hawkins and his parents and somehow it hadn’t blown up in his face. In fact, it’d just gotten better and better. So good, that now he wasn’t sure if he’d ever be able to go back to 1986. Not to stay.
And it had been here that things had begun to shift. That he had started to understand how feelings could become difficult to name. He had thought that ache of loneliness in watching Caleb and Sally together had been one of jealousy. A fear of being left alone. But even now, knowing that they should all be happy, that they were all getting what they wanted, he had begun to understand that the feeling of wanting more wasn’t going away.
The filter had been the only piece of solid evidence that he wasn’t making it all up in his mind. That he wasn’t trying to sabotage the best thing that had happened to him in a long time. That he wasn’t confusing feelings of friendship with feelings of attraction. As much as he’d wanted to fight it, initially, finally giving into what he’d been feeling for a while now had actually felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of his shoulders.
He takes off from work a little early, finding a bench in the busy park and looking out across the pond in the middle of it as he waits for Caleb. His knee bounces nervously, his fingers tapping against his jeans. He can’t seem to get enough air into his lungs, even when he takes a deep breath in and lets it out slowly. He knows he has nothing to be afraid of - Caleb is one of his best friends - but he feels terrified, nevertheless. He actually wishes he had a certain nail covered bat, just to ground him, despite there not being any demogorgons in sight.
WHO: Sally and Steve
WHAT: Boyfriends
WHEN: September 21
WHERE: Apartment 202
While he had wanted to meet with Caleb outside of the apartment just in case things went differently than he had hoped and he didn’t want to have to remember it every time he was home, he knew it would be easier to find Sally there. His roommates had given him space to work things out, somehow both knowing exactly how much of a loop this would throw him for.
Sally, especially, had been understanding, considering that he suddenly had a whole new aspect to his sexuality that neither of them had known about when they’d agreed to start dating. They had just gone from friends to roommates to well - <i>more</i> - though neither of them had really used the words girlfriend or boyfriend. They were in a relationship, where they were allowed to kiss and touch and be intimate when they felt like it. And that had felt - amazing - over the last few weeks. Not only to be able to give affection to Sally, doing his best to make her feel as loved and important as she was, but to be able to accept affection in return. He hadn't known it was possible to think more of her, but every day he found that wasn't true. Nothing had changed, but somehow everything had also. It was a lot to try to wrap his head around even without this, but here he was.
It’s not that he’s been putting off talking to her, but more that he wants to know exactly what he wants and needs to say before he does. He doesn’t take long - a little over 24 hours - to appear at her bedroom door, but he still feels guilty anyway. He knocks softly, even though he knows Caleb is out. “Hey, Sal? It’s Steve.”

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But then he'd responded to Caleb's surprise and the hurt was replaced with a heavy dose of empathy. It can't be easy for Steve given the way he was raised and the culture he'd grown up with.
Caleb had offered to be there to talk about it with and Steve had agreed, but with the caveat that he'd needed time to process and since Caleb thought that was more than fair, he agreed. Now that Steve seems to be ready, even though he kind of wishes that they'd met up at a place they could grab a bite, Caleb heads to the park around the time Steve would get out of work instead. It makes sense when he thinks about it. Steve wouldn't want to have a conversation like this somewhere it's possible to be overheard. It had taken Caleb a few minutes to realize that was why he hadn't suggested meeting at the Chinese food place they usually frequent.
As Steve comes into view and Caleb continues moving toward him, through the grass to cut across instead of taking the long way around by following the path, he reminds himself not to get his hopes up that Steve wanting to talk this out will change anything for Caleb. Just because Steve might've realized something new about himself doesn't mean that Caleb has anything to do with the realization. Getting his hopes up that he does is setting himself up for the crushing disappointment of unmet expectations and he doesn't want to do that. Not to himself and not to Steve.
When he gets close enough that he can tell Steve has seen him, too, Caleb lifts his chin in greeting before following it with a quick wave. He picks up his pace to a lazy jog and closes the remainder of space between the two of them in a few seconds before dropping down on the bench beside his best friend. "Hey man, how was work?" he asks, figuring maybe the way Steve's knee is bouncing is an indication that he's nervous about the conversation, making it Caleb's job to break the ice and try to set the tone as casual and warm. Hopefully, that'll help Steve feel more comfortable.
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He takes a deep breath in and looks over at Caleb. "Uh, so this is either going to be the stupidest question or the most obvious question. Maybe both. But I have to ask."
His knee seems to double in it's bouncing speed as he wipes his palms along his jeans and then rests them on his knees. "Did you know? About me? I mean, did you ever pick up... on anything?"
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Caleb is practically choking on the thick fog of deep red anxiety wafting off of Steve in tidal waves and he can't help noticing the way his knee is bouncing anxiously.
When he asks his question, Caleb realizes why. And he pauses for a second to consider before shaking his head. "No... I mean, in retrospect, absolutely, but at the time, it didn't register to me that it wasn't just my feelings. That happens sometimes. So when I think back on it, yeah, I picked up on it, but at the time, it didn't really, I guess, compute."
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He takes a deep breath and rubs at his face for a moment. "I know what this looks like," he says as he lowers his hands. "I know it looks like I'm freaking out because I might like guys. And that's part of it, but not the most important part."
He lets out a short laugh suddenly, turning to Caleb. "Wait, are you saying I made you more gay when I was around?"
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He reaches over and claps a hand against Steve's back before giving his shoulder a little squeeze and then letting his hand fall away again to give Steve some space.
"What? No," Caleb laughs. "You can't make somebody more gay, asshole." He takes a second to laugh in earnest, shaking his head and rolling his eyes, color flooding into his face. "I just meant...I mean...you know what you look like, man. I have eyes," he adds, ducking his head and clearing his throat.
Then he remembers Steve mentioned there was a more important part and he latches onto it to change the subject back to Steve. "Anyway, so what's the most important part, then?"
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Steve huffs, his face scrunching up slightly as if he's never considered the idea of Caleb thinking of him like that. He hasn't, actually. Not since he had first learned that Caleb was gay and he'd said he wasn't his type. Or had Steve said that? He couldn't remember now. Just, it had felt like Caleb had immediately dismissed the idea and that had been okay at the time because it hadn't mattered.
"Uh, yeah," Steve says, feeling his pulse picking up a little. "I don't know if I'm attracted to guys in general, as much as one in particular." He presses his lips together and runs a hand through his hair.
"I mean, I've felt it. You know, that electric feeling when you see something you want. But I guess I misinterpreted it. Or I wanted to... because I'd never felt this way towards a guy before." He leans back against the bench and looks at Caleb. "I thought it was just..." He shakes his head. "No, I think I was scared it would change things too much."
"Or maybe... you didn't see me that way."
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He watches Steve as the other man starts to speak again. He feels nervous and that makes Caleb nervous, too. He mirrors Steve's gesture of running a hand through his hair, mostly by reflex because it's become a new nervous tick. It's difficult to try to ignore the ray of hope he can feel blossoming in his chest, one that's steadily being stifled by the guilt of realizing that that hope isn't very faithful to Sally.
But then Steve stops talking and Caleb feels his chest tighten and stomach flutter. "Are you talking about me?" he realizes aloud. He huffs out a surprised laugh. "My guy...I've low-key had a crush on you since the day I fucking met you. But I was with Adam back then and then we became so close and I knew you were straight, so I just kinda filed it away."
He looks back at Steve and offers him a small, sheepish smile before taking a deep breath and sighing. "Shit, man...this just got complicated, didn't it...?" he asks, sounding a little uncertain.
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Steve laughs, though it's closed mouth and almost looks painful. "Yeah, I'm talking about you," he says, his voice low. He presses his lips together, feeling a bit of warmness settle in his cheeks at Caleb's confession. "I didn't know enough to know what I was feeling was... more. All I knew is that you were the best friend I ever had, other than Robin, but that always felt different. I just thought it was different because you two were different people, but when I got back, you..." He takes a deep breath, his eyes staring at a spot just above Caleb's ear, as if he's trying to find the right words. "It feels different, now."
He furrows his brow, focusing back on Caleb. "I know I sound like an idiot. All I know is that I thought seeing you and Sally together would make me happy. And it does. But I also realize, that I want more than I thought I did."
He holds up a hand, anticipating Caleb to break in. "I'm not trying to make you choose, man. I wouldn't do that to you. But I get why Sally couldn't choose between us. I can't either."
He reaches up to rub his mouth. "So yeah, complicated."
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A sigh escapes him and Caleb shakes his head. "You don't sound like an idiot, fucking stop that," he says, elbowing Steve in his side. "I can't choose, no. ...we should talk to her. This could work, you know. If she's comfortable with it, there are relationships with more than two people in them, man. But we'd have to make super sure she's comfortable with it. I'd be game if you were and she's cool with it..."
Caleb reaches over and pulls Steve's hand away from his face. "It's complicated, but it's not impossible. Don't stress out yet." He's trying so hard not to show his own hope and excitement at the prospect of having affectionate and intimate access to Steve, too. Sally's incredible and he wouldn't trade her for the world, not even for Steve...but if he can have them both...
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He knows that probably makes little sense, given that Caleb’s currently trying to decide what he should do, but it still feels real to Steve. Steve’s jealous of it, as much as he’s proud of Caleb for it. He has a purpose, and it’s something he lives by. Steve’s still trying to figure his out.
“I just don’t know how it works with three people,” Steve says, his stomach full of live wires. “I mean, I know we’re both dating Sally but I’m still getting used to that. I know how I feel about both of you. I feel like I know what I want, but how do we make sure no one gets hurt? “ He pauses. “Because I feel like sooner or later, someone will.”
He realizes Caleb’s still holding his hand and he squeezes it. “I need to talk to Sally, don’t I?”
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Caleb shrugs a little. "I don't know how it works, either, man. I've never done it. But I know that people do it and if they can make it work, we can, too. But the thing is...I think no matter how we do it, someone will get hurt every once in a while. We've all got feelings for each other. There's no way to avoid that, but the way we deal with it is what's important. If we deal with it in a healthy way, then it'll be just like any other relationship. People get hurt in perfectly good relationships, work it out, and keep on going every day, my guy. Why can't we?" he asks.
Giving Steve's hand another squeeze, Caleb nods. "You do, yeah. And then we do, I think. I don't know. We're all going to have to talk about it at some point, no matter what, I think. Don't you?"
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"You know me, man," he says after a moment. "I'm not good with talking about how I feel, but even if I'm still trying to work everything out, I know how I feel about you. And... I love you. Just as much as I love Sally. It's the same kind of love, even if it's taken me this long to realize it. And I don't know what that makes me..." He swallows, shaking his head. "Except maybe smarter and luckier than I was before I realized it."
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He looks back at Steve and nods to the sentiment that he knows the other man. Yeah, he does. At least, he knows as much as Steve will let him, give or take some rogue emotions.
When Steve says that he loves Caleb, Caleb's stomach flips and his breath catches in his throat. Hearing it out loud makes it feel real and he can feel his heart starting to race with anticipation even though that's as far as this goes until they can talk to their girlfriend.
With a smile, Caleb takes Steve's hand and gives it a reassuring squeeze. "I love you, too," he says, "just like I love her." He's confirming that they're on the same page. "And it makes you a demisexual. Welcome to the Alphabet Mafia, my guy." He lets go of Steve's hand and pats the other man's knee. "You good? No gay panic?" he asks, only half-joking, a lopsided grin taking over his expression.
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He chuckles and shrugs, crossing his arms over his chest. "I think my existential crisis is mostly over. As for the gay part of it, it's not really that I have a problem with being gay, as much as I do with looking back at some things with that knowledge. I mean, it's going to take some getting used to, but I'm not going to run away from it. Especially if that means running away from how I feel about you."
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His eyes scan over Steve's face as he speaks. "What kind of things?" Caleb wonders aloud. In spite of himself, he smiles a little. "I'm glad you're not running. I'm looking forward to talking to Sally about this all, now. I have a really good feeling about this, man."
He looks out in front of them before glancing back at Steve. "Should we go grab some fuel for said conversations?"
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He swallows and looks over at Caleb, giving him a hopeful look. "Do you?" He thinks that he can't choose between them, but it's hard to imagine having them both. He won't let his imagination run away with that idea until he knows for sure.
Steve huffs and nods, sliding his palms on his pants before getting up and holding a hand out to help Caleb up. "Yeah, I'm starving."
end?
Caleb grins at the hopeful look on Steve's face and he nods, nudging his shoulder against Steve's. "Yeah, I do. She didn't want to choose between us. I genuinely can't see her begrudging us for not wanting to choose between her and each other. She's not like that, you know she isn't. It's gonna be fine, I really feel like it will be."
Taking Steve's hand, Caleb gets to his feet and slaps his free hand against Steve's shoulder before letting go of him entirely. "Chinese?" he asks before he starts to lead them both back out of the park to find something to eat on the way home.
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"How you doing, handsome?" Sally asks, tilting her head ever so slightly as she takes him in. Her eyes are dragging over his face, his eyes, his nose, his mouth - trying to take in how he's doing after the realization that he's not entirely straight.
There's still a part of Sally that can't decide if it makes complete and utter sense or if it's a shock. It changes nothing, Sally just had no actual idea it was going on. Then again, she hadn't exactly known that the boys were trying to, basically, force the other into being the one to make a move on her either. So, sometimes, it's clearly easy for her to manage to miss the loop going on right in front of her. Either way realizing that was clearly something that Steve needed to process, and she's been waiting on him to come to her.
She wanted him to take whatever time he needed, and she knew that he would come to her, that they could talk when he was ready. And that's exactly why she assumes that he's here.
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He follows her lead, sitting on the bed and shrugging. "I've been less confused, that's for sure," he says, watching her look him over. He grins, despite himself, wondering if Sally's trying to read the answer to her question as if it's written on his forehead. Maybe it is.
"I mean, how many people get outed by a filter?"
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Still she thought she could read Steve - and she still, sort of, feels like she can.
"I mean, that sounds about right to me." Sally surmises, keeping things light, and shrugs her right shoulder slightly in answer to his question. "I can't think of a single person that I know of who has been outed by a filter - so I'd say you're probably the first, special one." She takes a shot at that, a light playful tease in her tone despite the fact that she clearly is supportive, and here for him - she'd been waiting for when he was ready to talk, after all.
"So you're special, if nothing else?" Sally jokes. "What's going on in that head of your's, Harrington? Penny for your thoughts now that you've had a little with them. 'Cause I think neither Caleb or I had an inkling that any of this was going on underneath the surface - you hid it pretty deep, or pretty well."
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Sally smells so good, all he wants to do is bury his nose in her neck and lose himself in the soft scent of her perfume. But he also knows that's a distraction from what he's really here to talk to her about.
"I don't know if I really realized what was happening," Steve admits, raising his eyebrows and shrugging. "I guess it's always kind of been there, but I wrote it off as something else. You know things in Hawkins are a lot different than they are here. There weren't as many definitions for everything."
He sighs, looking down at their hands. "The thing is, I guess I can see it now because I've never felt like this about another guy." He looks back at Sally. "One in particular."
He thinks she knows, but he searches her eyes anyway.
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"I mean, yeah - of course they were different. Different time, place, mindset - so I get why you didn't realize what was happening, honestly, Steve. There was a part of me that was surprised that you accepted Caleb as easily as you did despite the time and place that you're from. In a good way." Sally supplies, her head tilted as she watches Steve. "So I get it - and I can see how that happened." She gives his hand a squeeze, taking everything in what she sees is a stride because, well, she feels like he needs that. He needs her steady, easygoing side right about now. He doesn't need her making these realizations into some insane ordeal.
"Sometimes that's how it happens." Sall nods, evenly, though the curiosity is bubbling up. There's a slight... inkling of who he is talking about, who the guy could be, but at the same time she doesn't want to speak it, say it, for him. She doesn't know who it could be for sure. "Who's the lucky guy?" Sally teases, offering a soft smile and half waiting on the name Caleb to fall from his lips.
If she's wrong she's not sure what they'll do, but she knows that they'll handle it together. And she knows currently that nothing has changed between them - it could, but it could change in just... they're all having relationships with multiple people. It's just figuring out what works for them because Sally, much as she loves her boys, really wants them both to be happy and explore whatever they need to explore too. She's not sure how Caleb will feel or what the reaction will be if she hears a foreign name come but she's trying to prepare... in case.
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"Caleb," he says, feeling his heat flood his face at the confession. He wonders if it's not as obvious as he thinks it might be, or if she is just giving him the room he needs to say it out loud. It feels strange, but also freeing. "I think I'm in love with Caleb too."
He hadn't used love with Caleb, he hadn't even used love with Sally, but he knows it's true for both of them. He can't imagine living without either of them. And that's probably scarier than anything he's ever faced from the Upside Down.
"No," he says. "I know I'm in love with both of you."
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She asks, chin still resting on Steve's shoulder comfortably as her hand moves from his hair to around his shoulders, giving him a supportive squeeze. The smile that spreads on her face is soft but lights up her eyes as Steve takes the time to clarify himself, but she doesn't question it. Instead, she only nods - as if that's the only thing that makes sense. And considering the way that she feels - there's no surprise at the fact that Steve loves them both. That's been the thread that's bound them all period - they started off with falling in love as friends, but the other feelings continued to entertain and pop up despite the initial determination to be just friends or to push certain relationships and not the others.
And fortunately for all of them, feelings don't work like that - don't do well with predetermined decisions.
"I bet that feels even better - you know that I love you too, right? It's messy and we haven't said it all to one another, but I don't have to have empathy to feel pretty sure that we all feel the same way."
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Steve shifts, reaching up to pull gently at Sally's arm so he can scoot back enough to look her in the eyes. "Messy is how I tend to do things," he says, giving her a small smile. "I don't want to push you into anything you don't want. And the last thing I want is for you to feel like you're not enough, because you're more than I deserve, Sal."
He reaches out and puts a hand on her knee. "But I guess I can't really keep lying to myself, or you, or Caleb and do this right. And I want to do it right. Not just for me, but for both of you too."
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Life doesn't really let you arrange it neat and orderly and when it does there's always something creeping in or waiting to rearrange it from Sally's perspective.
"And I kinda like, and appreciate your mess." Sally reassures Steve, looking him in the eyes and giving him a soft smile back as she reaches up with one hand to brush his hair back a little bit - unable to help but be tactile with him. Sally lets Steve speak, watching him and hearing him out. She's not surprised in the least by where this is going and that's okay with her. Maybe it wouldn't have been at another time. Maybe she would have felt differently if this situation weren't like it is. She, Caleb, and Steve are so connected to one another that it makes this entire situation very different.
"Steve - I don't want you to have to lie to anyone and I'm not worried about not being enough for you. I know that there are a lot of feelings involved between the three of us and I know what it feels like to not be able to pick between two of the three of us. I want all of us to be happy and if the two of you want to pursue thing with each other too let's have that conversation - all three of us. I just want all of us open, honest, and happy in this thing we have going." Sally reassures Steve, wondering if maybe he didn't think that she would be okay with it, but honestly there's a part of her that isn't shocked. They're close and it's more heteronormativity that the expectation is that there wouldn't be feelings there.
It's a testament to how close they are and how strong their bonds are that this is where they're at - and even that Steve has gotten to the point where he can feel comfortable and safe enough expressing this, anyway.
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He listens to her, his chest fit to be bursting with hope and love and appreciation. When she finishes he leans in, cupping her face lightly to kiss her. "I really do love you," he says, resting his forehead against hers. "I... want to thank you for understanding, but I know that you know what it feels like." He grins. "Probably because you're smarter than the two of us put together and figured it out first."
He swallows, leaning in for another kiss. "I think we're all going to make each other very happy."