portalhopping | (no subject)

(no subject)

WHO: Derek & Laura
WHAT: Pack discussion.
WHEN: 9/16
WHERE: Apartment 204

"Dere, I'm coming in!" Laura announces before she walks into the apartment a mere few moments later. She knows that she probably should have texted first, and any other time she would have, but at least he's got a warning if anything is going on before his older sister turns the knob and walks into his apartment. She follows the proclamation that she's walking in with one piece of her purpose for being here, "I needed a milkshake and brought you one too."

Holding up the drink tray, Laura makes way for the kitchen island to set the milkshakes down, her small purse sliding next to them before she pulls her own large cup free from the cardboard - two-handed because the damn thing won't come free without holding it down. Straw to mouth Laura takes a health pull from the minty chocolate treat, and it's pretty clear that she's got a lot on her mind. She doesn't have any intention of unloading it all on Derek, though, even if she clues him into things that she feels like he needs to know, she's still the sister who (for a portion of his life anyway) raised him and she is his alpha.

Even if she knows that she can lean on him any time she needs, just like he can her - and... well... Remus actually. Right now she just needs the company for a bit, and to talk about some of it, at least.

"Did you check on Remus after the full moon?" Laura asks, settling her back against the island, her legs out in front of her as she studies her tennis shoes. Laura is still in her maroon work polo and the black slacks that she wears with her hair in a ponytail. Maybe that alone, the fact that she's obviously come straight from work to here is a sign that there are things on her mind, but here she is nonetheless. And going home to her own apartment alone just doesn't feel right to her at the moment. It's been too long of a day. She's got too much nervous anxiety coursing through her body. She's just not ready to be alone, not when she feels like she needs to talk out at least part of what is going on in her brain.

To her brother, her beta - to Derek.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Chance is already barking before Derek registers his sister's scent or voice, but it's followed seconds later with her entrance into his apartment. "You know, that was fine when I didn't have a roommate, Laur," he calls from the kitchen, grinning when he sees her appear with Chance prancing happily at her heels. "You gotta start texting first, lest you give May a heart attack one of these days when I'm not here."

A milkshake without him having to even ask? This must be serious, he thinks, amusedly. He takes his own milkshake — painfully boring vanilla because unlike Laura, chocolate does not love him back — and lifts an eyebrow.

"I always check in with him after, why? What's up?" he asks. It's hard to watch Remus on the full moon because his transitions are so much worse than Derek and Laura's are and he'd asked Derek to keep Hermione out this past one, which meant he hadn't even allowed himself that extra support from home. He's forever worrying over how Remus is doing after a full moon.

"I know, buddy - I came in without giving you all the love. I'm sorry - my hands are free now." Laura responds to Chance before putting her milkshake down so that she can crouch to give him the attention he clearly wants - and deserves. She's not so distracted by giving Chance his much-needed pets, scratches, and love that she can't look up at Derek and multitask. "I will - luckily she wasn't here this time, but I'll remember to text before I pop in next time." Because they both know there's always going to be the next time. She and Derek are both in it here for the long haul considering there's nowhere else for Laura to go.

Sure she could travel here, in this world. She could move elsewhere, but this is the hub where things happen, and that means that this is where she feels like it's best for her to be. And Derek, well, having her back clearly means he wants to keep close after losing her before.

After a good minute of giving Chance all the love he deserves, and avoiding the big thing that she wants to actually talk about, Laura finally stands and reaches for her cup again, shrugging in what she hopes feels more casual than it actually is. "I guess he's just been on my mind," Laura admits, settling her hip back against the island and looking up at her brother. "Worrying might be more accurate - some moons it just feels... more exhausting for him than others, more horrific. I don't know how he does it - or how much longer he can handle this." Because surely it's a lot? Surely he wants some relief from it, but the type of werewolf, the home he's from, is so different.

It doesn't stop Laura from feeling sympathetic, or from wanting to do something - or from her mind going to how to try and make a difference for him in some way, beyond just keeping him in check and safe. And there's only one thing that comes to mind, one way to even attempt to make it better given there's no way of changing it or removing it based off of the rules of his species from his own world. But is it the right thing to do? That's what Laura's not sure of - because a part of her is scared, and doubts that she's barking up the right tree here, but the longer she hems and haws and waits and thinks the longer Remus has to keep going through hell every single month.

"And I want to do more than just keep him in check and keep him safe while in that form, you know?" Laura asks, sort of admitting it out loud for the first time.

Derek smiles a little as he watches his sister doting on the dog they both treat like a child. He can tell by the length of time she's spending doing that that Laura's trying to stall for time. That means whatever she has to say is probably pretty heavy, so he takes the time she's stalling to try to mentally prepare himself.

As he's sipping on his milkshake, Derek watches her, waiting for her to look up; to say what's on her mind. It takes him a little off his guard when she finally does. "Yeah...it looks pretty awful every time, but you're right. There are some months that seem even worse," he agrees. It's why he checks in with Remus a day or two after the full moon each month, just to make sure he's hanging in all right.

More unexpected still is when Laura goes on. Derek lifts an eyebrow and puts his milkshake down on the counter. "Are you saying what it sounds like you're saying?" he asks. "You want to offer him the bite?" He makes sure to clarify exactly what he thinks she's saying so that she can't weasel out of answering him.

"Do I want to? No. After what Peter did, and just...everything I really don't ever want to bite anyone." Laura clarifies before she continues, a sigh escaping her nose. "But do I feel like it might be one of the only ways that I could help, maybe, relieve him from the hell that he's going through every single month? Yeah - I think it's the only thing that I could do that could help." Laura explains. She is pretty sure that she knows how Derek is going to feel about this. Derek will probably be all on board for biting Remus, she's pretty sure.

But is it really the right thing to do, to offer for him?

Laura knows that the intention behind wanting to make the offer is genuine. She knows that she is much more prepared to be an alpha and to teach Remus than Derek. That's all well and good, but does it make it the right thing? They don't, technically, know how this is going to impact Remus. And it's a serious decision. Sure, Remus knows what life is as a werewolf - one from his own world, so unlike offering to bite a regular human he probably understands better, but Laura still finds herself scared to actually make the offer and do it. Probably because she can't imagine a world in which he will turn him down, or where she'll let him, considering what he goes through is so damn awful.

"I'm worried about doing it, though." Laura finally admits. "I've only ever really been an alpha to one - you. And we both know that I wound up leaving you alone." That's technically true, but there have been plenty of others - even though Laura isn't making note of them - that have been brought into the fold, including Remus. It definitely runs deeper than that, though. And they both know leaving Derek alone, while a temporary choice, was never meant to be long-term, but she still has some feelings about it that she can't quite shake. "It's just a big deal to me even though I know that it could make his life a little less horrific and painful, but... I guess I'm still worried. I think it'd work, but I don't know and between that and how serious I take the bite and pack, I'm in my head about it. I don't want to be wrong, or get his hopes up, or let him down here, you know?" Laura ends her admission, eyes landing on her brother.

She's prepared for him to defend her to herself, but it has to be put out there - has to be said before she can even think of biting anyone.

Derek nods, giving a non-committal shrug. "You know what I meant," he says quietly. Nobody wants to give the bite to someone they aren't completely confident will take it well. Remus is an extra special case because he's already a werewolf from a different world. His wolf and transformations work very, very differently than the ones where Derek and Laura come from, so the thing they have to worry about most is that any gauges that they would normally use to decide whether it's safe to give someone the bite are going to be all out of whack. Beyond that, if it doesn't take, the best case scenario is that nothing happens to Remus, but the worst case could be...pretty fucking bad, potentially. So yeah, he understands that she doesn't want to give the bite, but they both know that wasn't what he was actually asking her.

Derek clears his throat. "Well, first of all...neither of us knew that Peter was going to murder his own niece and if it had been hunters, you'd have been better prepared to fight and probably would've gotten out alive," he points out. "Second...you're really in your head about this, yeah. You have to keep in mind that things are going to be different in this case than they might be with any other circumstance in which this discussion might be taking place. Like...Remus has been a werewolf for a long time. He might need a little bit of help getting used to the fluctuations between the way it works for us and the way it works for him, but on the whole, Laura, he probably doesn't need an alpha the same way most people you'd potentially bite would need one."

He pauses, taking a sip from the milkshake to give her a second to process that before he continues. "You don't know if he'd even want that. Not every bitten wolf does. Scott McCall sure as shit didn't; obviously not Peter, but not me, either. He did his own thing and ended up becoming a True Alpha which, don't even get me started," he goes on. "But all that said, you're assuming a lot about Remus insofar as whether or not you'll actually have any leadership responsibilities to him more than what we're already doing every full moon, Laura. So give yourself a break until you talk to him about it before you start falling down that damn rabbit hole."

He needs to circle back to address her concern that she might be getting his hopes up and, if it doesn't work, she could be letting him down, but Derek waits a moment, lifting his eyebrows as he looks back at his older sister. "I think if you're going to worry about anything regarding offering Remus the bite, whether or not he wants to stick with us and look to you as a leader is probably the last thing that ought to be on your mind. You're just going to fall down that what-if hole until the end of time. It's not worth it until you talk to him. You know? And I know how seriously you take the bite and pack and everything, but just because we take that shit seriously doesn't mean that whoever we might offer a bite to will be on the same page, especially when the person in question is already an established werewolf of a different kind. So..don't waste too much emotional energy worrying about that part until you talk to him. For now, focus on any of the other things that might be nagging at you. Let's talk that stuff through."

She did know, but Laura is in her own head right now. There are so many fears that are cropping up at the idea of giving the bite to Remus - to anyone. Some are jumping the gun and illogical, and some are built from the innate respect that she has for her position and the abilities that their mother instilled in Laura from the second that it was clear that Laura would be the one taking over from their mother eventually. None of them had ever thought it would happen the way that it did, though.

And she's never bitten anyone before.

There's a part of her that had decided back when she and Derek ran to New York that she never would, that things could never be the same. And she was right - they never were the same and this won't change that. But can she bite Remus and just leave him be if that's what he wants too? Laura already worries about him, and they've been acting as pack, in some ways (even though it's clearly pack light) already. Laura's mind is awhirl as she nurses her milkshake, straw between her teeth but her eyes focused on her brother as she listens to him speak. She trusts Derek - he's not the kid that he was when they lost everyone now. He's an equal whether she's the alpha or not and she trusts him to talk about this, but it doesn't stop the trauma response or the fears and the worries from all roaring and vying for which one gets her thoughts and attention when it comes to what she knows, in her bones, is the only thing that anybody could possibly even try to make a difference in Remus' situation.

And the fact that she's hesitating has much less to do with him and is probably more selfish and self-centered based around her own bullshit and Laura is sort of aware of that.

"I mean, when you're right - you're right. I am in my head about this - and it's more about me than him, I think, which makes it all the worse because this isn't about me, it's about wanting to do something to help him. And it's out of my control, I just will have to talk to him so he can decide for himself what he wants." Laura says, moving to put her cup down and pushing off of the island as she moves to pace. "My pack and rabbit hole baggage aside... I think offering him the bite is the right thing to do, it's the only thing I can do to help, but I'm scared. It all boils down to that because I can't control or be sure of the outcome, even though it feels like it could make a difference in theory. But I still find myself worrying about what if I make it worse for him? What if the nature of his wolf carries through and he's even more wild and dangerous? I feel like it's the right thing to do, but maybe I'm wrong and I shouldn't be thinking I'm the only one that can do something here? Because the what if game I can play of how badly this could go can get pretty scary, or it could just be me catastrophizing."

Laura stills and moves back to the island, both hands going to the top as she leans in. "Am I just torturing myself with things I can't possibly know or control here? Are you concerned about this?" Laura levels him with those questions, feeling like she needs to pose them and probably get this all out before she talks to Remus. And she already sort of knows that she will be talking with Remus. Is she delaying the inevitable? Laura doesn't know. Is she getting all of her concerns out in the air to prepare herself? She doesn't know that either.

Derek nods, understanding. He'd done his leadership very, very poorly. Laura wants to do it right and he can relate to that. "Remus is an adult and you kind of have to let him decide what he wants. You can't make him be in our pack just because you bite him, and you can't make him sit and think it through before deciding if he wants to accept the offer. All you can do is give him the information we have and make sure he understands that you don't have any control over what might or might not happen once you do it...and let him decide if he wants to take the risk or not," he tells her, sounding sympathetic.

It's got to be tough to be in her position right now because no matter how careful she is, how informed Remus is, or how many precautions they all take, there's no guarantee that things will go as expected.

"There's literally no way for anybody to answer those questions, Laura, that's the thing. It's either going to work or it isn't and if it isn't, it could go any number of ways. There's no predicting it and there's no preparing for it. This is so far out of the scope of what we'd normally be presented with back home. You can play what if all day and you're never going to find a satisfactory solution," he tells her, taking another drink from his milkshake and leaning against the kitchen counter.

A soft sigh escapes him. Derek feels so helpless and useless in this situation because there's nothing he can truthfully say that'll ease his sister's mind. He can't help with this one.

"I mean, I think you're catastrophizing but I also think with a situation like this, you sort of have to. Theoretically speaking, even if it made him more wild and dangerous, having some crossover would at least make him vulnerable to the same things we are, so his friend could lay some Mountain Ash for us and it would keep him contained, but the thing is, Laura, we can only work in theoretical and hypothetical. It doesn't make sense to torture yourself with that.

"I know it's a lot to take on your shoulders if things go sideways, but...you can't possibly know what's going to happen, so yeah, you're kind of torturing yourself with this. I say, if you want to offer him the bite in an attempt to help, you lay out all of the pros and cons, including the hypothetical catastrophizing ones, and you have to let Remus make the call if he's willing to take the risk. Then...you have to decide whether you're willing to. That's all you can do."

He looks her in the eye, then, waiting until he's sure she's really listening. "And just because you're the alpha doesn't mean you have to carry the weight of responsibility for whatever happens with him alone. I'm here and I can help you carry it, Laura."

It's not easy being a part of the Hale family, now or when the rest of the family was still alive. It was both the best and a lot of weight too. Especially when the alpha preceding you was Thalia Hale - who was so good and seemed to always know what to do. Logically Laura knows that there's no way that her mother didn't struggle with many of her decisions. It's not like she never made it clear how difficult it is to be an alpha and to lead a pack. If anything, Laura was much better prepared than Derek or any other member of the family ever could have been, given she was instructed from the time she was young. The instruction didn't include how life has gone down, though.

"I know that you're right." It doesn't make it any easier - the idea of going back on the decision that she'd sort of already made to never give anyone the bite, and now she's considering it with no real....anything. There's nothing that she can ground herself with. There's nothing she can control. And there's nothing she can guarantee. But it still feels worse to do nothing.

"I just hate that I can't know - and I hate that he's going through this." Laura surmises as she lets out a big breath and finds herself leaning down to seek Chance out again, reaching to give him some more pets as she tries to work passed where she's at, and to bring herself a little comfort because all of this is a struggle for her for the moment. But she's got to get over it, or through it, anyway. "I know I'd be doing him a disservice if I didn't put thought into it and jumped at it hammer with everything being a nail, but it's hard not to get trapped in overanalyzing, I guess." Laura admits rubbing her fingers over Chance's ears as she looks up at Derek.

"The pros outweigh the cons, even if not by a massive amount, and I feel like I know what the right thing to do is with making the offer - I just never thought I'd ever be seriously making this offer. To anyone." Laura admits, maybe even for the first time out loud, to anyone but herself. She doesn't linger as she continues, though. "I have to be willing to do it to make the offer, Dere - and I am, it's just a big step." Sipping her milkshake, Laua finds herself looking down at her keys and the cardboard holder she brought their milkshakes in. "I hear you, I do, it's just a lot of responsibility - even with your help. For me. For you. I know you're here and I can count on you to carry the weight alongside me, Dere. And I know what I'm going to do - I think we both know I'm going to make the offer, I just, guess I need to get passed the torture, second-guessing, and pressure I'm heaping on myself while I work up the courage."

His brow creases as he watches her reach down for the dog again, taking comfort in the distraction of petting him. Chance, to his credit, is very aware of negative shifts in emotion, and he tilts his head back to look up at her, licking absently toward her arm and leaning against her leg.

"I know, Laura. Nothing about this is going to be easy for any of us, especially the two of you. It's a big decision for both of you to have to make," he replies sympathetically. He gives her a sad smile. "I think you'll get there. You know, I actually wonder if talking to Remus about it might ease your mind a little. If he seems receptive, that might bolster your confidence that you're making a good call, and if he seems like he'd rather not, then you won't have to waste time worrying and stressing over it. You know?"

Derek pushes off the counter he's leaning against, setting his milkshake on the surface behind the spot he's vacated and moves to her. He takes hold of both of her upper arms and looks her in the eye, giving her arms a little squeeze. "It's gonna be okay. It's not the same as turning a human. Just remind yourself of that. That lops off a good chunk of the responsibility right there because you won't have to teach someone starting from scratch. You've got this, Laur. I trust your judgment. You should, too."

He smiles a little and lets go of his sister, stepping back and lifting his eyebrows at her. "Should we order food?" Change the subject and give her a second to breathe, that's the strategy here. They'll circle back to it sooner than later, he's pretty sure.

"Maybe you're right - putting the ball in his court might be one of the only things that could ease my mind because it's out of my control no matter what way I come at this situation, technically." Laura echoes, though she's not sure if she's fully certain that is the case. Then again she's overthinking everything right now too. And that's the problem with all of this and trying to guess how it could go and prepare herself because she needs to prepare Remus to the best of her ability - it's led to a bit of a doom spiral. That mixed with her own baggage doesn't make it the most productive headspace to actually be in at the moment either.

"I just hate to rush in and do that to him - even though you're right - it is different. He's not just someone who has no idea how different this could make his life." Laura nods at what she's saying, processing the way that Derek put it in her own way. "But I guess I'm borrowing trouble - maybe I need to pick up some hobbies so I don't do this shit to myself." Laura jokes, but her eyes land on Derek's and there's a sense of grounding in the squeeze of her shoulders. Lifting her hands up she instead pulls her brother into a hug.

"Don't know why you trust me so much, or my judgement - or who taught you to be so level headed and optimistic, but thanks, Dere." Laura gives her brother a squeeze before she releases him from the embrace, forcing a smile as she lets him back away and gives a decisive nod. "Yes is always the answer to that question - Chinese?" Laura shifts gears, trying to let herself let up because she knows that Derek is right. It's just a matter of getting herself out of this trapped cycle.

She's got to talk to Remus.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only